Barmy Albert came home paralytic drunk on Saturday night. He staggered through the door and is met by Non-Stick Nora, who is incandescent with rage and not a happy bunny. “Where the flamin’ hell have you been all night?” she demands. “At this new bar,” he proclaims. “The Golden Tavern. Everything there is golden. It’s got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal’s gold!” Nora still doesn’t believe all this addlepated blather, and the next day searches on Google and finds a pub in Manchester called The Golden Tavern. She phones up the venue to verify Albert’s incredible tale. “Is this the Golden Tavern?” she asks when the landlord answers the phone. “Yes it is,” the landlord replies. “Do you have huge golden doors?” “We sure do.” “Do you have golden floors?” “Most certainly do” “What about golden urinals?” There was a long pause, then Nora hears the landlord shouting, “Hey, Graham, I think I got a lead on the dude that piddled in your saxophone last night!”
I was really squashed up next to a vivacious blonde woman on the train from Manchester yesterday. She complained to me that I was ‘creepily close’. Well, if there had been someone else in the carriage, I’d have asked for their opinion. But there wasn’t. So I couldn’t….
When we got married, we had the reception at McDonalds. It was the last ‘Happy Meal’ that I ever had. The missus has suggested that we renew our wedding vows. This came as quite a shock to me. I didn’t realise there was an expiry date! Fascinating!
Went to see a faith healer last night. He was so bad; this bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out!
During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to have a chinwag with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. “You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!” “Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” said Tillerson, “but, you do realise that he just speaks the words. He doesn’t really understand what they mean.” “Oh, I know,” replied Melania,” neither does the parrot.” Say what you want about Trump. But he has created jobs. The comedy writers and CNN have never had it so good.
I asked my dentist what she would recommend for yellow teeth. She sez, “How about a brown tie.” When she said ‘Open wide’ I thought she meant my mouth. Turns out it was my wallet. £40 for a filling!
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