I put a load of the wife’s old clothes in a charity bag outside the house this morning and got a knock on the door an hour later. “We are unable to take these, sir,” he said “Why, what’s up with them?” I asked, “Your wife’s still wearing them.”
♫ ♪ The iPhone’s connected to the iPad, the iPad’s connected to the Wi-Fi, the Wi-Fi’s connected to the bluetooth, the bluetooth’s connected to the iCloud, the iClouds connected to the…… ♫ ♪ Technology! Doncha just luvvit! . ♫ ♪. ♫ ♪
I’ve just had a state of the art electronic garage door installed. It’s voice controlled and opens when it hears the wife’s voice. To be honest, I ain’t seen it shut yet…
The missus sez I’m very immature and that I possess a childlike mentality and that we need to set some time aside to discuss this problem. As if that’s gonna happen at the beginning of the conker season!
We went to see Disney On Ice. Neither of us were impressed at all. It was just some old bloke in a fridge freezer…
I was out in Wetherspoons with my mates over the weekend, when I glanced at my mobile phone and noticed a staggering eighteen missed calls from the missus. That’s an average of six calls per day! Is she insecure or what?
I met a homeless guy sitting on a bench in Manchester, I asked him how he ended up this way. He sez: “Up until last week, I still had it all. I had a roof over my head, a cook, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had TV, Internet, I went to the gym, the swimming pool, the library, even school if I wanted to …” I asked him, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?” “Oh no, nowt like that” he opined. “No, no … I just got out of prison”
To the person who stole my selfie stick.You need to take a long look at yourself
I’ve just got my first plastic fiver. I’m off to the early learning centre now to buy a till.
We were in the pub last night when our mate Dave turned up in the most embarrassing shirt you have ever seen. “Cost me fifty flamin’ quid this” he said as we all continued laughing.”I hope you kept the receipt” I said with a smile. “Too right” he replied, “First thing tomorrow, this is going straight back to the Man Utd Shop.
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:email@example.com