Austin Knight May 22

Austin Knight

I sincerely reckon that traffic wardens are nice folks. I received a lovely comment from one today about my driving.  I got back to the car and they’d written me a note saying ‘Parking Fine”. These days, a little bit of observing etiquette, civility and servitude goes a long way.

When Boris Becker was sentenced to two and a half years in the nick for tax fraud, he asked the judge, “Exactly how many months is that?” The judge replied: “That’s thirty, love…”

Fascinating Fact: Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing.

Exactly 40 years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most gorgeous woman in the whole wide world to marry me. All three of them said: “No!”

Late one evening, the priest asked Superman to investigate a strange noise beneath the church.  Superman told him in no uncertain terms: “There’s no way I’m going near that crypt tonight!”

A funeral service was being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive! She lives for twenty-odd more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband shouts: “Watch that wall!”

It’s was so cold last week, I opened the wardrobe door and my jacket had my overcoat on.

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made…” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question… The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.” The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mummy how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they descended from primates?” The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

My granddad’s going a bit deaf these days. We were talking about restaurants, and I asked him if he liked the ambience to be noisy, or quiet. He said, “I don’t care, as long as it gets me to the hospital.” 

Barmy Albert visited his local pub The Pitt Bull and Stanley Knife and as he went in, he noticed two old ladies looking at him. “Nine,” he heard one whisper as he passed. Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to Ethel the barkeep and told her an octogenarian woman had just rated him a nine!  “I don’t want to burst your bubble,” Ethel replied, “but before you came in, they were both speaking German.”

The missus was in the kitchenette last night and shouted: “Do you want chicken, beef or lamb?” I sez: “I quite fancy lamb.” She replied: “I’m talking to the dogs. You’re having a bowl of acorn soup!”

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