Austin Knight funnies June 15

Austin knightBarmy Albert’s wife has left him and taken his entire Bob Marley CD collection and she’s even took the satellite dish. Poor Albert. No woman, no Sky!

Tom Tom have launched a new Sat Nav system especially for the over seventies. When you get where you’re going, it reminds you what you’ve gone for…


I tried to share meat pie, chips, mushy peas and gravy with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench in Manchester last night. He told me to sod off and buy my own.



Breaking News: Medical researchers have announced today that they have discovered a hitherto unknown malady, which has no symptoms whatsoever. It is impossible to detect and has no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported as yet….


The missus wants a divorce because of my obsession with metaphors. It came as a bolt out of the blue. It took the wind right out of my sails. You could have knocked me down with feather, I can tell yer….


I was complimenting the voluptuous young lady who lives at the end of our street on her choice of her spectacular new underwear, when it suddenly dawned on me that she can’t hear me through my night vision binoculars.



Granny was on her deathbed, talking to her beloved granddaughter: “I may die any minute, so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and £22,389,630.00 in cash”. The granddaughter replied: “Wow!” “Thanks granny, I didn’t know you even had a farm and all this wealth! Where exactly is it?” Granny whispers with her last dying breath…..” It’s on my Facebook.”



Such is technology! Last week, I was in the Apple store in Manchester: “This is the brand new Apple Smart Watch,” said the assistant. “It features full mobile phone capability, meaning you can make and receive calls simply by holding it up to your ear. You can send a tweet on Twitter, go into the Facebook chat room and send and receive texts and emails. It also checks your heart rate and is a pedometer and tells you how far you’ve walked” “Sounds great,” I said. “But then how would I tell the time?” He replied, “That’s what your mobile phone is for.” Hmmm, methinks that life was much easier when Apple and Blackberry were merely fruits…




Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that’s why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com

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