Austin Knight funnies – August 2015 

Austin knightI fondly recollect when we took our new-born daughter to our GP for her first check up, the doctor said, “You have a cute baby.” Smiling, I said, “I’ll bet you say that to all the new parents.” “No,” he replied, “just to those whose babies are really cute.” “So what do you say to the others?” I asked. “He looks just like you.” Came the reply.While we were there, the good doctor was looking through my records ,shaking his head.

“What is it doc? Tell me, is it bad ?” “Take That, One Direction, Goombay Dance Band, Earth Wind & Fire, Stylistics, what the hell were you thinking?” I only went to the doctor’s to get my prostate examined. Anyway, I got the thumbs up….


Next week is Awareness Awareness Week. If you are unaware of awareness and would like to be more aware of the fact that you are unaware. Awareness awareness week could be for you.


An odd-job man who advertised in the local paper was totally useless. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do whilst I was out at work. When I came back, he’d only done 1,3,5,and 7.


It’s really quite easy to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while, whereas, the other will see you later….



The most difficult aspect of joining an association like Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you DON’T have a problem….


I sez to the missus, “You’ve been driving the car while I’ve been away haven’t you?” She replied, “Why do you say that?” I sez, “Coz the clutch is knackered.” She replied, “Don’t blame me, I never use it!”

BREAKING NEWS: Scottish river police have already intercepted 500 English migrants attempting to cross the tempestuous River Tweed, in overloaded and ramshackle craft. Chief Inspector Jock McTartan informed this reporter “This is the beginning of a whole new humanitarian crisis for Scotland, so it is. Who will take care of these pieces of Sassenach flotsam? Who will pay for all the free prescriptions and deep fried Mars Bars? Not us, Jimmy!” The UN are holding an emergency summit in Barbados to discuss how best to handle the immigration crisis. Meanwhile those who survive the perilous crossing are being detained at a tent village just outside Kelso, while their applications for asylum are processed


English language is strange. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though, and dyslexia is the product of a mis-spelt youth.


A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title,

“Gone in sixty seconds, ” said the missus sarcastically,”Enter the dragon, ” I replied.
If I could offer you some advice for the future: Dance like you are mortally injured. Make love like your being filmed and you need the money. Work when people are watching. Dress up in Lycra. Always leave a false name. Be legendary. Believe in Karma.If at first you don’t succeed, then redefine success. Visit my website http://www.ComedianUK.com and continue the quest! Email me:comedianuk@sky.com

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