Austin knight April 22

It’s all so very sad.  Apparently, the billionaire CEO of Amazon has left his wife. Presumably, with a neighbour…

This winter has much in common with the missus, especially  when she’s really mad at me. It keeps storming out, slamming doors and then comes back in shouting: “And another thing!”

I was having a swill in the bathroom yesterday morning and the missus sez “Don’t use those towels!” I asked her why not and she curtly informed me that they were not for use, because they were her ‘looking at’ towels. Just for show, like all those annoying cushions on the bed. 

When she came in from work for lunch she wanted to know why I’d not mowed the lawn. I told her I couldn’t because it’s my ‘Looking at’ lawnmower. That’s when the fight started….

Sad news: My morbidly obese parrot has died.   Good news: It’s a huge weight off my shoulder….

The greengrocers shop on Scropton Street has gone into liquidation. They now make smoothies.

Barmy Albert came home and was greeted by Non-Stick Nora scantily clad in a very sexy French maids outfit. “Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”  So he tied her up and went down Wetherspoons.

I was just wondering, before the Iron Age did people walk around in creased clothing?

If perchance you heard it from a friend, who heard it from a friend, who heard it from another, then your information might well have come from the same geezer what was in that REO Speedwagon song.

I sez to the missus, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”  “Now why would you want me to do summat like that?” she asked.  “Well I reckon that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some cretin using my stuff.”  She gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and replied: “What makes you think I’d marry another cretin?”

I chose to ignore her sage remark and continued: “When I do eventually pass away, I’m leaving everything to you.”  She then curtly informed me: “You already do, you lazy sod!” 

The man who created the worldwide chain of Showcase cinemas has died. He was 91. His funeral is next Tuesday at 2.10, 4.20, 6.40 and 9.10.

I’ve decided to attend university and I’m going to study astrology. I’ve applied for a Russell Grant.

The missus informed me: “There are no such thing as problems, only opportunities.” I sez:  “That’s fantastic! Because, I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

Breaking News: A man was injured at a chocolate factory in the Midlands yesterday. when a pallet load of boxes toppled over onto him. An eye-witness said, “He shouted, ‘The Milky Bars are on me’ However, everyone just cheered and threw their hats in the air!”

What with political correctness and the ‘woke’ society, there are certain things that you cannot say. One of these is “Irish wristwatch.”  Go on, I dare you! 

Real time slows as you approach the speed of light, whereas time flies when you’re having fun! So if you go slower. Do you have more fun or do you just get more light? Visit my website: Email me: Now, get back to work. Spring has sprung!

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