Austin Knight

Have you ever misinterpreted summat that someone else is endeavouring to convey? Unfortunately, it’s a regular occurrence for me. Yesterday, I went into the local post office up Scropton Street back snicket and the Postmaster sez to me: “How’s it going, mate?” I told him that I’d just visited the doctors surgery and my blood pressure was very high, in fact the GP told me that if it wasn’t for my skin, I’d make a fantastic fountain! And that the missus was making shepherds pie for tea. The Postmaster looked at me and with all the dignity that he could muster and replied: “No. I meant the parcel!”
Going to Manchester Airport. The taxi driver keeps looking in in mirror at me and then sez, “Well give us a clue, mate.“ I told him I’m an international comedian and have done Corrie and lots of other TV shows and I currently perform on the after dinner circuit working with all the top Sky sports presenters and I’ve been professional actor for nearly 50 years.” He replied “No. I mean which terminal are you going to!” I don’t think I’ll be leaving the house for a while…
It happened again when I went into the jewellers on the High Street. I sez to the young assistant: “I need a battery, so I can tell the time.” She asked me: “Is it for a clock?” I replied: “I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery….”
The missus sez she’s getting me a Sat-Nav for my birthday to go with her other surprise. She’s asking me to move out….
I asked the young lady at my local Co op: “I’m sorry to bother you, but do you sell Quorn?” She replied: “Yes, we do. What kind would you like?” I replied: “On the Quob.” She looked at me in a perplexed manner and sez: “Does matron know that you’re out of bed again?”
Barmy Albert attended an interview for a tripe gouger at Scropton Street Abattoir… “Now this is the verbal part of your employment test,” said the interviewer. “Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?” “Certainly,” replied Albert “It means I don’t get the job.” It got worse when he went to the cinema that afternoon. Albert bought a ticket at the foyer# and the cashier sez to him “That’s the fourth time you’ve come back in the last five minutes to buy a ticket . Albert replied: ” I know but every time I get to the entrance this woman rips it in half”.
Thought for Thursday: Is there anything easier done than said?
The missus sez: “If women ruled the world, there would be no wars.” “That’s correct,” I replied. “Because wars require strategy and logic….” That’s when the battle started!
Non-Stick Nora has put a wooden desk with an inkwell and a blackboard and chalk up in her living room. Barmy Albert asked her what it was for and she replied: “To make it more classy.”
Rumour has it the BBC might remove the Universe with Brian Cox from its broadcasts because it might upset Flat Earthers. The way things are, intelligent folk cannot say what they think in case they offend stupid people.
I honestly never thought I would be the type of person to get up really early in the morning and go to the gym for a few hours…..and I was right!
Last year, whilst travelling around America, I went shopping in Wal-Mart. I asked the assistant if they had any Kinder Eggs. “Definitely not, Sir, we don’t sell them in the States – they are considered a health hazard!” “That’s okay,” I replied. “I’ll just take these two AK- 47 assault rifles then.”

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