Austin Knight Funnies

austin knightThe missus wants a divorce. She’s not happy that I have a fetish about groping different types of pasta and she has left me.  I must admit that I’m feeling cannelloni at the moment….


I knew last week that she wasn’t happy with me. I staggered home bladdered last Tuesday night, and the missus was so annoyed, not only had she changed the locks on the front door, she’d changed the street name as well!  In the doghouse again!


Whilst on the subject of dogs and houses, there were two dogs talking, in a house and one sez: “Do you wanna hear a good joke?”  The other dog replied: “Yes, I’m bored.  Cheer me up.” The first dog went: “Knock-Knock.”  Then both dogs went flamin’ mental!


Angel Merkel was attending an economic summit in Athens. At the airport, the passport control officer sez to her: “Nationality?”  She replied: “German.”  He asked her:”Occupation?”  She replied:  “No, I’m only here for two days….”


The phone went yesterday; they’ll nick anything round here! Anyway, I digress. When I answered it, this voice proclaimed:”Hello, is that Mr Knight?” I sez: “Yes.” The voice declared:  “This is The Official Receivers Office.” I replied:  “Are you winding me up?”

I get strange phone calls on a constant basis. On Monday, it was BT.  The woman curtly informed yours truly, that if I didn’t pay the bill within the next 7 days, there were to disconnect the phone.  I told her straight!  I sez: “You’re bill is in a queue…”   Mind you, British Gas told me that I had the BEST gas bill on my street.  They told me that it was outstanding!



Fascinating Fact: Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are usually two.



A male frog goes to see a clairvoyant. The psychic tells him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.” The frog becomes ecstatic, “This is absolutely fantastic! Will I meet her at a party?” “No,” says the psychic, “in her biology class.”


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I stepped back in amazement and the fella behind me stepped back even further because he was amazed at how far back I’d stepped! All this occurred primarily because I was exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? I’m sure you are too. But no, not me. Yes sirree! I like the same old boring jokes and that’s why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable. Click on my joke blog: www.ComedianUK.com or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com  Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring yesterday, then it was me!


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