Austin Knight’s Funny Page.
This time around Austin looks into a new business opportunity.
Are you looking for a home-based business opportunity that really works? Do you want to earn ££££’s? Money Talks! Mine used to say ‘Goodbye!’ But not anymore! Have you considered getting out of the rut and starting a new rut? Well look no further, because this is the business opportunity for you! Grab the lifestyle you love. Be able to spend time between your town house in the peaceful village of Moss Side and your holiday home in Sellafield. Why not convert your cellar into a sausage-knotting factory? Then enlist a dozen illegal immigrants into an indentured apprenticeship and let the fun begin. It really is that easy!
Q/ “But how do I convert my cellar into a sausage knotting factory”?
A/ It’s quite simple. Purchase a surplus tranche of sausage knotting machinery, then buy a pallet a load of horse meat and bung both acquisitions down in your cellar
Q / “Okay that sounds easy enough, but where do I locate loads of Bulgarian and Romanian workers to enlist into a dodgy indentured apprenticeship”?
A/ Hire a massive truck, take a trip to Calais and open the rear doors of your vehicle. The container will literally fill itself within a matter of minutes.
Q/ “I live in Tower Hamlets. Can i just rent a truck and park it at the Calais border”?
A/ You most certainly can. However it might take a considerable amount of time for you to collect a wagon load of prospective workers. I would strongly suggest baiting the truck with flagons of cold beer, menthol cigarettes and hot meat pies with chips and mushy peas, smothered in rish onion gravy.
Q/ “I’m producing a hundred years of gourmet horsemeat knotted sausages on hour. Who am I going to offload this awful offal on”?
A/ Believe it or not, that is not a stupid question. All the major supermarkets and fast food outlets, as well as many high street restaurants, will leap at the opportunity to purchase your product.
Q/ “Is this business legal”?
A/ Providing you don’t get raided by the trading standards authority, you should have no trouble whatsoever. If your operation should be discovered you can exercise one of the following three options in order to avoid being detained at her majesty’s pleasure.
1/ Do a runner.
2/ have it away on your toes
3/Go on the missing list
This is all you need to know to get started in the exciting world of sausage-knotting production. It’s a jovial activity for your estranged family, together with friends and you should reap the rewards for many years to come, or until you get your collar felt.
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