Austin Knight funnies – September 2015

Hello there! How’ve you been? I’ve been constantly travelling all summer on various ships. Indeed, I’ve just got back from Canada on Fred Olsen cruise ship, The Black Watch. Next trip will be Istanbul on the Celebrity Reflection. After that, I’ll be on dry land doing sporting dinners and corporate events until next year.   

When I was at the Tesco checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I’ve been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for idiots like me!


I sez to the missus, “Oi Fishface! What do you want for your birthday?” She shouted, “Don’t get lippy!” I sez, “Right! Mascara it is then…..”


Yesterday, I logged on to the Diabetes Awareness site and it asked me: “Will you accept cookies?” Do you think they’re trying to catch me out?


My doctor thinks I might have contracted Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis, but it’s hard to say at the moment.


During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old folks care home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.” “No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug out. Do you want a bed near the window?”



Non-Stick Nora was sitting at the bar in The Pit Bull & Stanley Knife pub enjoying a milk stout with her friends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome man appeared. He was so striking that Nora could not take her eyes off him. He noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could utter a syllable for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00…on one condition…” Flabbergasted but intrigued, Nora asked what the condition was. The bloke replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.” Non-Stick Nora considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man’s hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said…. “Decorate my house.”


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