Austin Knight Aug 19

Best Facebook status of last week was about our new prime minister, Boris Johnson, who as you probably know was educated at Oxford and Eton and excelled in English and Classics. However, on Facebook, Sharon, an overweight, unemployed chav from Toxteth, is of the profound opinion that: “Boris Jonsen is an moran. Cant beleev heez are prime minster”. (sic)

I attended an adventure course last week. Have you tried blindfolded archery? Honestly, you really don’t know what you’re missing!

I made the big mistake of walking into B & Q today wearing an orange T-shirt. To cut a long story short, it now looks as if I’m covering Derek’s shift on Sunday.

I’m not saying people in my area have appalling teeth, but one woman just smiled in Tesco and the barcode scanner picked it up as a set of saucepans.

To all the folks in Tesco who leave their trolleys at the check-out while dashing to get summat they forgot: It’s me who put the condoms and the Preparation H in there…

Horrible weather here last week. Tempestuous rain and fifty mile an hour gales. The missus has done nowt but gaze through the front window. After four hours, I felt quite guilty and decided to let her in…

I took part in an arthritic charity run. I got first place, even though I was up against some very stiff competition.  I’ve always thought that it’s better to do a half marathon, rather than giving up halfway through a marathon.

Thought for Thursday: “It matters not a jot or scintilla whether you win or lose. What really matters is whether I win or lose.”  Boris Johnson.

Top Tip: Easily convert your settee into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wedding anniversary….

Q) How do you get Donald Trump to change a light bulb?

A) Tell him Barack Obama put it in

There are two words in life that will open lots of doors for people. Push and pull.

Non-Stick Nora was asked to provide a reference for Barmy Albert by a company that was considering hiring him. On the firm’s form was the question: “Was this person a steady worker?” Since Albert’s reputation had always preceded him, Nora just wrote, “Not just steady, but motionless.”

Statistics prove that one in every three women is just as difficult and argumentative as the other two…

Are you exasperated with the same old boring jokes that are still being circulated around the pub and at work? Sure you are, but no, not me. No sirree. I like the same old boring jokes and that’s why I print them right here in this gloppy humour column every available chance I get. Accept me for what I am; completely unacceptable.Click on my jokeblog: www.comedianuk.com  or better still email me: comedianuk@sky.com Oh, and If your phone didn’t ring today, then it was me!  Now, get back to work!

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