I cleared out my grandmother’s house yesterday, I put all the good stuff on eBay and I took the rest down to the car boot sale and some to the charity shop, I then went to the estate agent and put her house on the market.  You should have seen her face when she got back from Bingo!

I was peering over the fence at the neighbour’s derriere yesterday, until the missus appeared. “Nice view?” she said icily. “Eh?” I stammered, “Yeah right. I just thought her next door had the same bikini bottoms as you, darling.” “And does she?” she shot back, arms folded, and face like a bulldog, chewing a wasp. “Almost” I sez, “But they’re about three sizes smaller….”  That’s when the argument started!

Old Jokes Home: This bloke stuck his head in the barbers shop and asked: “How long before I can get a haircut, mate?” The hairdresser gazed around the shop full of customers and said, “About two hours.” The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left. A week later, the same fella stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Albert. Do me a favour. Follow that bloke and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”  A little while later, his friend returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?” Barmy Albert looked up, tears in his eyes, and said, “Your house.”

The missus picked me up from the airport last week. I asked her: “Have you valeted this car?”  She replied: “No, why?” I told her: “It stinks of Shake ‘n Vac”  She replied: “You cheeky bleeder. That’s my perfume!”

Thought for Thursday: If an egg is broken by an outside force, then life ends.  If is it broken by an inside force, then life begins. Great things only happen from the inside!

I had a really awful time, yesterday. In the morning, I got assaulted by a medieval poet, and then in the afternoon, I accidentally slipped on a hot-dog!. Things just went from Bard to Wurst.  Anyway, I digress.  Why not visit my webbensiten?  Just clickety-click on www.ComedianUK.com and visit my world famous Jokey-Bloggington!  You can email me too!  comedianuk@sky.com