Austin Knight

I bought Harry’s new book.  It’s cost me £14 and it’s called ‘Spare.’ What a load of rubbish.  I thought it was about tyres! 

I decided on having a Dry January. So, I’ve purchased six cases of Sauvignon Blanc.  Mind you, what with both the nurses and the ambulance drivers on strike, we could well end up having a Die January!

I was stricken with that awful bug that has been going around over this bleak midwinter.  I think I caught it off my Croatian neighbour.  His name is Tikli Chestikov.  First, I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. It was then I knew that I had contracted some manner of chess infection. Even as I write this column, the malady lingers on. 

I went to see my doctor and told him about my coughing and spluttering and he sez: “You’ve not started smoking again have you?”  I told him “Definitely not!” He replied: “That’s a shame. I’m selling 400 Lambert and Butler for sixty quid…”

 I saw Barmy Albert in the doctor’s waiting room. He curtly informed me that that he had the worst case of haemorrhoids that the doctor had ever seen in 40 years of being a GP. I asked him if that was why he was sat on a bean bag. Albert gazed at me, with eyes like burning embers and replied: “Have another look….”

Non-Stick Nora sympathises with Barmy Albert. She told me that Albert phoned the Suppository Helpline and she sez: “They were so rude!”

Still on the subject of GP’s: After an examination, the doctor said to Octogenarian Tommy Grabknuckle: ‘You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?’   ‘In fact, I do.’ Replied Tommy. “After my wife and I have made love, I’m usually freezing cold and chilly and then, after we do it the second time, I’m usually very hot and sweating  like a scouser at the Job Centre.”   When the doctor examined his elderly wife Elsie later he said, ‘Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?’  Elsie Grabknuckle replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: ‘Well, your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after making love with you the first time and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea why?’  “Oh, that crazy old fool!” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.”

Not many people know this, but I’m very good in the bedroom department.  Fifteen years, I worked at IKEA. Moreover, the missus was becoming inflamed and effervescent and informed me that she  would like to play some sexy games in the bedroom, in order to spice up our love life.  When I asked her what kind of games she wanted to participate in, she sez: “Let’s play Doctors and Nurses!.”  So, I put her on a trolley and left her in the corridor for 48 hours.

Last weekend, a bloke came off his moped right outside my house. There was a gaggle of folk meandering around his prostate form, so I went out and shouted, “Let me through!” This woman asked me, “Are you a doctor?” I replied, “No! He’s got my pizza!”

 In 2023, remember, those who matter most to you, those who never did and those who won’t anymore. Moreover, the important ones, who always will. Never worry about the people from your past, because there’s good reason why they never made it to your future. Visit my website: and continue the quest! You can email me: Now, get back to work! HAPPY NEW YEAR to all my readers!!    

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