I sez to Barmy Albert, “You seem a tad depressed, matey.” He gazed at me with a saturnine grimace and declared, “I’ve just got old, all of a sudden! Moreover, I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, got dodgy diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear nowt proper, I’m taking ten tablets a day that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Sometimes, I can’t remember what the flamin’ hell I’m doing. I’ve got poor circulation that causes pins and needles in my hands and feet . I can’t remember if I’m 65 or 82. Plus, I’ve lost all my best mates. Life is terrible!” I sez to him, “Look on the bright side Albert, at least you still have your driving license and new knees is good news!”
What is the difference between the missus and a crossword? You can normally work out where you went wrong with a crossword….
I find that knowing the difference between chalk and cheese, is advantageous when playing snooker…
I like playing chess with the old men in the park. Sometimes it’s difficult to find 32 of them though…
Yesterday, I was on the packed Virgin Pendolino train from Euston, when an absolutely gorgeous young lady gave me a massive smile. It made me feel really young again! A few seconds later, she stood up and offered me her seat. Made me feel really old again…
A couple from a travelling circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery. The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. “We’ve employed an Oxford don who’ll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills”. There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing. “Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet”, they reply. So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for. “We don’t give a damn”, they say, “as long as it fits in the cannon”.
The odd-job man I hired yesterday was a total waste of time. I gave him a list of 8 jobs to do and when I got back, he’d only done 1,3, 5 and 7.
Thought for Thursday: 3D TV is brilliant! I’ve just watched the BBC weather forecast and I’m saturated!
The phone rings in the church vestry and the priest answers. The voice asks: ‘Hello, is this Father O’Connor?’ He replies: ‘It is!’ ‘This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?’ ‘I most certainly can!’ ‘Do you know a Tommy Scroggins?’ ‘I do!’ ‘Is he a member of your congregation?’ ‘He is!’ ‘Did he donate £20,000 to the church?’ ‘He will!.’
I’ve been teaching my little dog Alfie to beg. Last Tuesday, he came back home with £11.98.
Are all the other folks in your dormitory just plain jealous because the mysterious voices only talk to you? Is the hamster dead, but the wheel is still going round? Well, now you can go see for yourself with my amazing new Jokey-Bloggington at www.ComedianUK.com. It’s firstname.lastname@example.org if you fancy sending me an email. Now, get back to work!